Anger Is Not The Problem
In relationships, couples learn to navigate a plethora of problems, even unsolvable problems. It’s not uncommon to experience anger when faced with hardship. We can feel angry for so many different reasons. Some common situations that trigger anger can be stress, family problems, financial issues, abuse, trauma, bereavement, bullying, discrimination, or racism.
(Contact us today at 407-536-7509 for a free therapy consultation)
When situations don’t have a clear cut solution, it’s natural for a partner to feel stuck. Sometimes this happens with things like differing values, incompatible long-term goals, or deeply-rooted emotional needs that aren’t being met. When these situations cannot be easily reconciled, it’s natural to feel frustrated. And when you feel angry, it doesn’t make you an angry person. It makes you human.
When dealing with problems that don't have easy solutions, it’s natural to feel helpless, frustrated, and angry. Anger is a symptom, not the issue. How people respond to their anger or deal with it can be a problem, but anger in and of itself is not the problem.
It’s important to ascertain whether the problem is solvable or perpetual. This can be a gray area because what might be a solvable problem for one couple, could be unsolvable for another.
John Gottman, leading couples researcher, defines solvable problems within a relationship as something situational. It’s focused on a topic where a solution can be found and maintained. He defines perpetual problems as problems that couples return to over and over again and are centered on fundamental differences (i.e. personality or lifestyle needs). These problems don’t necessarily have resolution and instead require management. Thirdly, gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that when attempted to be discussed and resolved go nowhere.
Anger is a normal human response to being stuck or overwhelmed by a difficult situation. The real problem tends to be how people deal with or respond to anger when they encounter problems that don’t have clear-cut solutions. Here are four ways to break down what someone’s anger could mean:
Anger as a symptom, not the root issue. Anger is a boundary emotion. So if you get angry, that means someone has crossed your boundaries. And if you abandon your anger, or you disown it, then you’re more likely to be taken advantage of. This is likely because the same situations will keep happening when you repress your emotions, denying the impact of the situation(s). Your anger is signaling mistreatment, unfairness, frustration, or pain. When the problem is unsolvable, it can make partners feel powerless, like they can’t make the relationship work in the way they wish - making the problem less about the anger and more about the unmet needs or unresolved tension.
How anger is expressed matters. When people express their feelings of anger constructively, without blame or destructive behaviors (like shutting down or stonewalling, becoming defensive, or attacking), then the anger can lead to deeper understanding. Issues arise when anger turns into contempt, withdrawal, or toxic patterns of communication. This makes the problem even harder to solve.
Grieving of unsolvable issues. In relationships, some problems might never be fully solved. Research shows that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. Common fundamental differences can be personalities or lifestyle needs that create conflict. Partners may need to accept these unsolvable issues rather than expecting to “fix” them. Anger can be a natural reaction to this realization, but it’s how the partners handle that anger that determined whether it strengthens or weakens the relationship.
The problem is in the reaction. Anger is neither inherently bad nor good. Anger is a feeling and all feelings are valid. They give us information. Emotions need to be heard with compassion, validated, and explored with curiosity rather than judgment. However, not all reactions to feelings are valid. Trying to have conversations when angry will end up unproductive because you are communicating from a dysregulated nervous system. Regulate first. Then respond.
Anger can be a healthy, honest reaction to difficult realities. Ignoring your anger won’t change the situation or problem that caused you to feel angry. But it will cause you more distress, especially because pushing down emotions or avoiding and repressing them disrupts the nervous system.
Anger serves us a purpose for survival. It informes us that something we are experiencing is causing harm to us or injustice. Our anger is the part of us that loves us and wants to protect us when it identifies a threat. Anger can help us to better access what we need as long as we approach the situation that caused the anger from a regulated state.