High Conflict Couples: The Signs and How to Stop It
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but when it becomes high conflict, it can take a toll on both partners. Recognizing the signs of high conflict and learning how to manage it is essential for a healthy relationship. Here are four signs of high-conflict couples and four steps to help decrease conflict from a Florida Therapist.
Signs of High Conflict Couples
Frequent Arguments
Constant bickering and long drawn out fights or escalating arguments over trivial matters with big blow outs later are key indicators of high conflict in a relationship. If conversations often turn into heated debates, it may signal deeper issues that need to be addressed.
Poor Communication
High-conflict couples often struggle with effective communication. This may include speaking over one another, not listening, or using negative and hurtful language. Resentment further builds when there is no repair after hurt. There might be an attempt at apologizing, but it only makes matters worse where instead, you feel like your partner is just mocking you.
Intensity and Lack of Resolve
If fights go from zero to one hundred really fast, then you might be having high-conflict fights. There’s hostility between the two of you, and although there is still a general sense of equality, the fight itself is distressing and destructive. Your fights tend to heat up quickly, they happen frequently, and they are also hard to resolve.
The Four Horsemen
The Gottman Institute found four communication styles, according to their research, that can manifest in a conversation, escalating conflict, and even predict the end of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Criticism is different than voicing a complaint about your partner. Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character. This causes the victim to feel rejected, hurt, and assaulted. This horsemen paves the way for the others to follow, especially if it escalates and reappears with greater intensity and frequency each time.
Example: You always forget to take out the trash and leave me to do it. You’re not forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think about how it affects me.
Contempt is when someone communicates with disrespect, mockery, ridicule, name calling, and eye rolling or scoffing. The victim of contempt feels despised, worthless, and disrespected. The Gottman Institute says, contempt goes beyond criticism, whereas criticism attacks someone character, contempt is attacking from a position of moral superiority.
Example: I can’t believe you would mess up something so simple as spaghetti and meatballs. Could you be any more pathetic? And now I have to feed the baby and don’t have time to fix dinner. I guess it’s just another night ordering in, again.
Defensiveness, typically, is a response to criticism. This can look like making excuses or playing the victim in order to get your partner to back off, when feeling unjustly accused. It’s not only that the partner responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make the other partner at fault. This gives off the message that the defensive partner isn’t taking the other partner’s concerns seriously and that they also won’t take accountability for any of their mistakes or contributions to the issue at hand. There’s a lack of acceptance of responsibility, admission of any fault, and understanding or validation of their partner’s perspective.
Example: I can’t believe you just asked if I called the neighbors to cancel our dinner plans. I was just too busy. As a matter of fact, you know how busy my work schedule has been this week. Why didn’t you just do it?
Stonewalling, typically, is a response to contempt. This happens when the listener withdrawals, shuts down, or simply stops responding and interacting with their partner without any indication of further engagement. It can be understandable for the person who stonewalls to take this “out” after negativity created by the first three horsemen. But turning away or engaging in distractions becomes a problem when it turns into a habit. This person’s lack of emotional attunement happens as a result of feeling physiologically flooded.
Example: Instead of saying, “I’m feeling too angry to continue the conversation. Can we take a break and come back to it in an hour? It’ll be productive to work through this after I feel calmed down,” the person stonewalling might say, “I just don’t want to talk about this right now. Can you please leave me alone for a while?” or they walk away, act busy and disengage, or turn away and withdraw from the interaction completely without verbalizing any thoughts and feelings.
Source: The Gottman Institute
Steps to Decrease Conflict in Relationships
Practice Active Listening
Focus on truly hearing your partner’s perspective. Validating your partner’s perspective doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with it, but that you can understand how they might feel the way they do. Letting someone know that they are seen and heard allows their guard to come down and feel calmed down. Use active listening techniques, such as summarizing what they’ve said and asking clarifying questions. Reflecting back to them what you’ve heard is also a great way to make sure you correctly understand how they feel. This helps create understanding and shows that you value their feelings.
Use “I” Statements
When discussing feelings or concerns, use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame. For example, say “I feel hurt when… and I would prefer…” instead of “You always make me feel…”. This approach can reduce defensiveness and promote open dialogue.
Take Breaks During Heated Moments
Being aware of the emotional temperature of the conversation can help you recognize when to take breaks. If a conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to take a break. Agree on a specific time to revisit the discussion when both partners have had a chance to cool down. Taking breaks does not mean you are abandoning your partner or the issue. It means you care enough about yourself and your partner to return to the conversation when you have regulated your emotions enough to have a productive conversation again. This can prevent escalation and allow for more productive communication.
Seek Professional Help
If conflicts persist despite your best efforts, consider seeking the help of a therapist. A professional can provide tools and techniques to improve communication and resolve underlying issues that keep you stuck in this cycle. Seeing a therapist can help you commit to upholding your personal boundaries during moments of conflict.
Recognizing the signs of high conflict in a relationship is the first step toward healing. By practicing active listening, using “I” statements, taking breaks, and seeking professional support, couples can significantly decrease conflict and build a healthier, more supportive relationship.
Ready to take action on your healing journey? Request a counseling appointment today. Contact us today to schedule therapy or to set up a 15 minute free counseling consultation.